Entrepreneur Blues

If I’m being honest I’ve been feeling the “entrepreneur blues” for a while now. It’s a feeling of stress I’ve been putting on myself while I work on landing that first client. It’s a feeling of guilt I’ve been putting on myself for making Josh our sole provider. It’s even the feeling of irresponsibility I place on myself for being six months pregnant and having no real way to provide financially for our daughter. Our daughter, our sweet, sweet angel. She is actually the main reason I transitioned from my corporate job into entrepreneurism so quickly. Of course I had the entrepreneur bug for quite a while. I even told Josh when I took my former job that I’d be using money I made to start our company which luckily we were able to do.

The reason I left my job earlier than planned is because we became pregnant. What a blessing and how happy we were the night we found out. I’ll forever cherish that moment. I of course had to tell my boss as I was responsible for working long events and lugging heavy amounts of marketing materials for said events. To my surprise lifting heavy loads became more of my responsibility and to add insult to injury I was made to hold a door open for an entire event one evening as using doorstoppers was against policy in the hospital where I worked. Another contributing factor was the very clear and very real lack of support I had from any of the women in my department. There were only 3 of us, all women working the entire marketing and business development departments. These women would literally tell me not to get too excited about my pregnancy and would constantly talk to me about miscarriage.

I don’t know if I can properly describe the stress and feeling of utter sadness, shock and disbelief that situation put on me. Plus, the negative seeds they were planting about my almost guaranteed miscarriage felt like they were starting to take root. I was afraid of everything and my morning sickness as well as my overall dread for going to work was growing more intense. The final straw came one Monday morning when I was headed up the elevator to the office. My boss got on with me and started talking her shit before we even got upstairs. I called Josh and told him that I would probably be walking out within the next few minutes. In reality it took me about an hour and a half. I started praying. As I was praying I sat there seemingly overheating, chest pounding and with heartburn asking God what to do. Eventually I couldn’t take the physical beating my body was taking. I couldn’t even calm myself down which made me fearful for my little baby. Finally, I sent an email to human resources and I walked out.

I’m not sure if walking out was what God wanted for me. Honestly, I still think about that. Did I wait long enough for the Lord’s answer? All I knew was I physically couldn’t take the stress I felt that morning and all I know is if I stayed at that job I wouldn’t have the healthy, growing, precious baby girl in my womb that I have now. Heavy lifting aside there was just too much negativity for a healthy pregnancy in that office.

Fast forward 5 months to present day. I have invited Jesus into every situation I face in life, including my business. I am not naive enough to think success will come over night. I work as hard and as long as I can every day, revamping our website, changing logos, posting on social media, writing blogs, proposals etc. because what is faith without works?  While I wait on the Lord to provide I believe it’s human of me to feel the entrepreneur blues. I believe it’s human that I recall the experiences that led me to leave a secure position. I believe its human to lay my feelings out so that I don’t carry them with me in my heart and mind.

I know the God I serve. I know my business ventures will be successful. In the meantime, I’ll keep working. I’ll keep a positive outlook and I will enjoy the journey until that first client calls or sends an email. I hope my story helps someone else, somehow, someday. It’s certainly made me feel better to release it all.

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